Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Maybe I'm not a true spanko -turning down a request to be spanked

This is not one of those goofy posts where I insert a bunch of hot pictures.  This is actually a serious question.  At times I've thought it was hopeless searching for real life play partners, and despaired that I should give it up. Now is not one of those times.  For whatever reason, I've had a few invitations lately.  Maybe my (effectively) turning this lady down had something to do with that, but I'd like to think not.  I'd like to think that I'd have had the same reaction even in the midst of a "spanking drought" and honestly, I think --despite my many character flaws-- that I would have.  I hope so, at least.

Recently I began talking to someone who craved a disciplinarian to deal with her problems.  She had many real and serious issues.  She'd had a string of disciplinarians, the last of whom had ditched her, and she was desperately looking for a new one.  She claimed that she needed discipline in her life, and from hearing her story, she did.  Before meeting her, I told her I wanted her to write an essay on what issues she felt she needed to address.  She did, and I read it. (Several times, as a matter of fact.)

My response to her was that although we might someday enjoy some spanking play, everything I read, and knowing her history... I felt that a spanking disciplinarian was the last thing she needed.  She'd had several of those, and they hadn't done her much (if any) good.  She was still dealing with the same issues.  I told her that if she really wanted to address those issues, she should take some personal responsibility.  

Maybe that was an excuse on my part.  I wrote her a whole list of psycho-babble excuses....That a spanking disciplinarian wouldn't and couldn't be there every time she went to a convenience store, and that even though I'm no psychologist, I felt like she was shifting responsibility for her own actions onto her disciplinarian rather than taking responsibility for herself and her own actions.  Further, that the golden rule didn't work unless you have the self esteem to love yourself first, and that played into the whole making smart decisions about yourself, and making smart decisions about yourself is independent from whether or not you get your bottom spanked.  If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over-and-over again hoping for a different result, and she's seen multiple disciplinarians but still struggling with the same issues... maybe that's not the way to go in terms of addressing those issues.

I freely admit that on rare occasions I've spanked my children.  Despite the "Love and Logic" seminars, I really think that spanking is sometimes the best way to discipline and teach young kids very important lessons.  I haven't had a problems playing with electrical outlets, going out the front door without telling someone, playing with Daddy's tools in the garage, or even with minding when I count to three after one spanking.  On the other hand, I'm not going to spank kids for hitting each other, and don't think I'd spank them again and again for the same problem.  Along those lines, I'm not sure spanking is a great tool to deal with real adult issues, especially when spanking has been used in the past in an attempt to deal with it, but to no long-term effect.

Bottom line- I declined to spank someone that was asking for it for very real reasons.  I'm far more comfortable spanking a surreptitiously kinky housewife that's had a secret, but unfulfilled interest in spanking than in being subject to a true disciplinarian.  Maybe I'm not a true spanko, or maybe I'm just not comfortable wearing the mantle and accepting the responsibility of acting as a true disciplinarian.  I struggled with it, and still think I made the right call, but I'm new enough to this that I'm willing to listen if folks think that I didn't.  Just thought I'd share.I'd love to hear some feedback. 


  1. This is a very interesting post and subject, thanks for sharing! I'd like to throw in my two cents' worth.

    In my opinion your reaction doesn't show in any way that you are not a spanko, it just shows that you have certain limits and the ability to express and respect them. Not everyone who is into spanking is also into real-life discipline. I, for example, don't do any real-life discipline and I don't think I ever will. (Spanking children is a complete no-go for me as well. For me, spanking is for consenting adults only.) I define myself as a spanko, but for me, it is something purely sexual, something that makes me feel happy, relaxed and empowered.

    I have come to understand that some people use spanking successfully as a motivation for personal growth within a real-life DD relationship. However, I've also read about some discipline arrangements which in my opinion didn't / don't do the people involved any good. I absolutely agree with you that the aim should always be to learn to take responsibility for oneself, to love oneself and to care for oneself. For me, these are preconditions for being able to care for and to love others as well.

    I don't know how the best solution for the lady whom you have turned down might look like. In my opinion that decision is completely up to her. But, if your gut feeling tells you that you being her disciplinarian isn't a good idea, then I think it is a very good thing that you were open and honest enough to tell her about your concerns.

    I have wanted to write a post about self-responsibility and some related topics for quite a while, but I'm too busy right now to address such a complex issue. I'm sure that there will be a post about that one day, though.

    1. Kaelah- Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment. Guess I'm with you on spanking being a sexual thing instead of for real discipline, at least personally, for me.

      Given that, I always thought to myself that I'd never spank my kids. However, we've found it effective when used very rarely with prechool boys. Don't want to give you the wrong impression- I've spanked them a small handfull of times, and probably half were on their hand because they were in daipers. Reasoning with a 2 year old is not always effective.

      And yes, the whole real life discipline vs. play is a huge topic and could be fodder for a whole bunch of posts. I guess being still a little new to this, being confronted with this taught me a valuable limit- I'm not comfortable with true discipline- I like spanking as play. Now I know.

      Again, thanks for stopping by, and thanks for the comment.

  2. Let's review. You write a spanking blog and read several others. You've watched countless spanking videos and clips, and visited equally countless spanking-oriented sites. You've fantasized about spanking for years and made it into a reality with concentrated effort. You've even bottomed to a professional spanker so you'd know what it's like on the other side. What does that make you, a fake spanko? You're as "true" as any of us. So you can put that to bed.

    Personally, I believe in being accountable to myself, not giving our the responsibility for my actions (and the punishment thereof) to someone else. That's just me, and I know the disciplinarian thing works for some. However, I too have observed how some bottoms seem to do the same things again and again, despite harsh punishments, and it seems to be an exercise in repetition and good intentions that fall by the wayside as soon as the bottom heals.

    So if this sort of relationship isn't for you and you know it, then you did the right thing in turning her down. I'm willing to bet you're not going to get any feedback telling you, "Nah, you blew it, SS."

    1. Fair enough Erica. You're very persuasive. I didn't think I'd get feedback like that, but I thought I'd get some defenders of spanking as discipline, and that discipline is by definition an integral part of a real spanking.

      As I said, I think I made the right call. There's still a little part of me that wonders if I'm being lazy/wimpy/chicken and not helping out a damsel-in-distress, or even just not being authentic... Like someone that says "I love biking!" but really only likes going to the gym and pedaling away while watching the news in a safe air-conditioned environment while pretending he's not ogling the gal in front of him, and doesn't want to risk actually riding an actual bike out on the open road, cause it's hot, and you might get flat, or a sunburn, or crash, and there are a lot fewer hot looking women around. ;)

  3. You made the correct decision, IMO, and you have Erica's brilliant insight and analysis as validation. I wouldn't dwell on it a moment longer.

  4. Thanks Anon. Erica generally has pretty good insight (even when she's correcting my grammar.)

  5. I know you made the right decision. She had several disciplinarians and has not had any improvement in her behavior. What she needs, it sounds like, is therapy and also taking responsibility for herself. I recently told my top that I believed my behavior is my responsibility, not hers. She is a pro disciplinarian. I don't see her for that. She agreed and also talked about accountability as when a couple of people do things together to have some kind of accountability. That is a bit different than discipline.

    You are a true spanko who has limits and you are learning what they are. I am fairly new, too, and I am learning my limits to what I want. I have it pretty well defined, though my limits may change as I keep learning what I like and don't like.

    1. Thanks Bobbie Jo. Affirmation from someone who has a disciplinarian and has dealt with the issue of discipline personally means a lot to me. Your comments are always thoughtful, and I appreciate them.

  6. To me, spanking has always meant play, foreplay or downright sex. I cannot imagine a relationship based on true submission and domination. I'm sorry if this sounds offensive to someone (it is not my intention at all), but I believe such relationships fall beyond sanity, and those involved in them should seek the help of a good psychiatrist; and I mean it in earnest, and with the best of intentions.

    Of course, domination and submission are always present in a spanking (that's part of the fun), but it is one thing for them to be present as temporary role-playing, and a very different one to have them rule your lives (and in a D/S relationship, it rules the lives of both the spanker and the spankee).

    All in all, I believe you did the right thing, SecretSpanko.

  7. I always love to get genuine anonymous comments that have something real to say. It makes me feel like there are people besides just other bloggers reading it. So thank you. Spanking is very sexual for me as well, even when I try my best to suppress that in real life playing, but I know there are some who feel that spanking is NOT sexual. I'm not going to say that all of them are psychologically unhealthy- I think it can fulfill a non-sexual need to either give up control or feel empowered as a change from real life. However, I think there are people involved in spanking relationships that could benefit from professional help. Heck, I probably could too, but for a variety of other reasons.

    It's funny the evolution in my spanking realization has gone from "Wow! there's porn that caters to my peculiar interest!" to "Wow there's lots of people with this peculiar interest too!" to "Oh. lots of them it turns out have a different sort of interest in it than I do."

    Thanks again for offering an opinion, and especially giving one even though it might be a bit controversial.