Thursday, May 31, 2012

Guest post by Emen: Thudmuffin


Thudmuffin

Yeah, you. You know who you are, Prince of Polished Paddles. I don’t use the masculine to profile, I just haven’t met that many women who find hurling logs at peoples’ backsides a pleasurable pastime.

I admire your commitment, Thudster, you do persevere. Flying your flag and singing your anthem, I Can Make This Sting.

“Seriously, just listen to me for a minute, I can – I can do it. I can make this 4x4 sting. Come on, you need to try new things. I’m going to put some duct tape around this end so I can get a good grip and you bend over and hold onto something. No, something sturdier than that.”

You’re so sweet and earnest when you try to convince me. You’re so proud to show me these massive slabs of wood you cherish. And I smile and wonder where you keep the hydraulics you need to swing these
things.

And who would let you swing them at them. I’m not saying no thud, never and all sting forever. I appreciate some thud. I want it in the mix. But you run it right into the ground, baby. And you don’t want me. You don’t because I’ll tell you how it would go. You be THUD, I’ll be everything else.

THUD

S**T – does this guy know dry walling or sheetrocking or whatever you call it, cause --

THUD

DAMN – if he miscalculates and drives my head through this wall –

THUD

OWWWW – he better know how to fix it fast, cause –

THUD

F**K – even in my blind Vanilla world somebody’s going to notice –

THUD

STOP – a giant honking hole in the wall and –

TH–

See, that last one didn’t even connect because I respectfully crawled under the bed to get away from you. This can only end in utter frustration for us both.

Go and find your people. Look for the light. You’re going to be much happier there.

11 comments:

  1. Heeheehee, this gave me the giggles, absolutely brilliant :)

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  2. I gotta say, considering how many implements I've experience, a wooden paddle is not among them! This post has me convinced that maybe that's a good thing?! :)

    SC

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    1. Idk girl, in the right hands, possibly...? SS certainly has a soft spot in his heart for the concept. He's posted about it more than once. Idk how to put the links in but they're right there under "Popular Posts".

      Maybe? Possibly? Never say never? Come on, Thudmuffins, jump in here and convince us!

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  3. That looks an awsome paddle all be it not quite as bad as if it was filled with strategicaly placed holes, but either way if you receive some swats from from that Emen; your going to have one very red hot glowing bottom.

    Correction Man.

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    1. Details please, CM. SS chose that picture of that paddle. So he can explain that when he gets back. I reiterate:

      I'm small
      How does that thing warm my bottom
      Without knocking me through the wall?
      And what do strategically placed holes do?
      Are they for me, or for you?

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  4. I was Not trying to offend you in any way Emen if my comments came accross that way?. I was merely commenting on the paddle pictured which looks very substantial , as for stratigicaly placed holes some paddles have them incorperated in their design or placed there by certain individuals who wish them to be installed. And i can also assure Emen i was NOT in anyway suggesting that it was for either my benifit or yours. i perasonaly DO not use paddles prefering Hand , Strap or Cane if any correction is required. I hope that now clears any misinterpretations up and would like you to publish my comments .just in case others who read them judge them entirely differently to how they were intended which sometimes occures when reading posters comments. Off now to engage in the final few hours of the jubilee celebrations which thus far have been truly excellent.

    Correction Man.

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    1. Don't worry about it Correction Man- don't think she was offended, just having a little fun. Hope you enjoyed the Queen's jubilee.

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    2. Thank you SS and i am pleased she was not in anyway offended because deffinately none was not ment ,and yes indeed i did enjoy the celebrations as many others did dispite the appalling weather; it is my first day back on line since the jubile finished so thought i would catch up on things

      Correction Man.

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  5. so much fun in this story..I have 'respectfully' moved out of the way...respectful or not..it didn't bode too well. ;)

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  6. littleOne- that was a pretty fun story, huh?!

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