Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Mission Impossible: Spankdar

I'd guess that most people reading this are familiar with the term "gaydar" - the ability to tell if someone is homosexual without being told by that person.  It's not perfect, and it's based on stereotypes... a lisp, a swishy walk, or an interest in interior decorating for a man; a woman that swings her shoulders (rather than her hips) when she walks or wears boots and flannel.  Turns out, there's some scientific evidence that a gaydar is a better than chance predictor of being correct.  But what about a Spankdar?

I think it's far more difficult (if not impossible) to determine if someone you know in real life is into spanking as compared to determining whether they're into people of the same gender sexually.  Plus "gaydar" sort of makes sense because it sounds like radar, whereas "spankdar" is kind of a stretch.   Here's two reasons why:

1. An interest in spanking is far less socially acceptable than being gay, and spankos are not open about their interest.
Well, Duh!  Some people (even some in the public eye) are openly gay, whereas I'm not sure of anyone that's completely openly into spanking.  But there's a lot more to it than that.  There's a guy in my office that everyone knows is gay, and he doesn't proclaim it, but talks about his partner and has pictures of the two of them in his office.  He talks a lot about pop culture and fashion, and we all sort of accept it.  How many spankos have pictures of their disciplinarian on their desk, or talk about spanking-related topics?  But there's more to it than even that... Spankos I think would actively try to hide their interest- at least I do.  There's a lady in my office that's joked several times about getting (or giving) a whoopin' and told stories about what her parents did to her.  Probably a spanko, right?  But would someone into spanking actually make jokes like that?  I'm very much into spanking but have never made those type of comments in public.  It's far too personal, and I sure don't want to raise suspicions.  So just using me for example, if you judge a spanking interest based on a willingness to talk about it in public, your spankdar will be dead wrong.

2. Perceptions of alpha males and submissive women are likely to be wrong- at least behind closed doors.
There's certainly something to stereotypes of masculine men and feminine women.  But that's not always true when it comes to an interest in spanking.  I've talked to a couple of female dommes about this... Their clients are maybe surprisingly successful and on top of the world, but enjoy the occasional opportunity to completely let their guard down, remove the mantle of authority and responsibility, and let someone else take charge.  I can think of three ladies I've spanked that were very successful in their careers and pretty damned assertive in real life.  Maybe because of that, they craved to be taken in hand and spanked by a man.  Had I not met them based on emails exchanged as a follow-up to an introduction on a spanking website, there's no way I would have pegged them as submissive or kinky.  From my admittedly limited experience, one's interest in spanking, and the role played within that interest, is precisely the opposite of what many might expect.

In one of my stories I alluded to this in the fictional introduction.
"...My wife and I are spankos, I guess.  Mostly it's foreplay that turns us on- something we discovered about each other in college.  But on occasion we've spanked each other "for real."  Yes, I said each other. We're both switches, I suppose. I'd say typically about 70/30 it's me giving and her getting just because that seems like the more natural fit to our personalities and sexual identities. Actually it sort of fits the opposite of our personalities.  She's uptight and in control most of the time, and needs to let go and feel like someone else was completely in charge more than I did..."

So... for all those ladies that swoon at the idea of a Don Draper type rolling up his sleeves and taking them over his knee... maybe he goes to see a domme to let loose (and does nothing more than fall to his knees after chasing and catching his wife-- tell me someone else saw that episode.)  Meanwhile that small obnoxious IT guy with self-esteem problems has not just one, but a harem of collared slaves he found on FetLife.  And that cute girl at the office who's always volunteering, always bringing cookies, and remembers everyone's birthday... maybe she asserts herself at home, taking out her pent-up frustrations on her husband's ass.  Now stereotypes became stereotypes for a reason, and there are certainly some dominant Don Draper types that are into being the head of their household and spanking women.  There are plenty of alpha-male spankers and plenty of submissive ladies that like to have their bottom warmed, and dominant women that like to spank and men that just naturally like to serve a strong woman.  But that's not always the case.  And because that's not always the case, a spankdar is practically worthless.  

Me personally, I'm secure in my masculinity, and can appreciate the appeal of "taking off the mantle of authority and responsibility" on occasion, but well... I think a woman's red bottom is a lot sexier than mine!

Frankly, I'm extremely grateful for the rise of spanking on the internet.  The only person I've ever found that was into spankings that I've not found on the internet was a girl in college.  I hinted about it with almost every girl I hooked up with, but she was the only one that completely took the bait.  Unfortunately, she had a bunch of other issues...  Before the internet, I'm guessing that to find a spanking partner, folks had to go through a string of relationships before they found someone that was either into it, or they could mold into being into it.  Now though- one knows whether those they meet online are into spanking, and probably even know a little about what kind of spanking they're into!

I'd love to hear stories from those that were into spanking pre-internet, and if/how well your spankdar has ever served you.


  1. I have to say, pre-internet my spankdar was non-existent since I had no idea that anyone else shared this interest- I just sort of assumed I was twisted. It was through the Internet where I found out that there are plenty of people that are into the same thing I've been repressing for years!

    Many of my friends know I'm into spanking, but they have no idea *how* into it I am. I think many people (including past lovers I've thrown the bait at) kind of see spanking a couple smacks on the rear, end of story. If they only knew what I *really* get out of spanking I think it would go from cute to weird pretty quickly. I think there's a chance your co-worker jokes about it as a way to cast out a net... Maybe it'll earn her a couple swats at the next Christmas party!


    PS FYI, Don Draper is the spanker type. Every single one of my fantasies confirms it ;)

  2. I saw that episode of MM. Do you remember the one where the hooker beat up on Don after sex? Certainly with his permission and possibly at his request. I think Bert's the Dom in that place. :)

    I remember pre-internet knowing there were such things as parties and scenes and I remember there was an off off off Broadway "show" that consisted of women from the audience going onstage to be spanked by a man sitting in a chair, but I don't know how that knowledge was passed around. I'm guessing ads in underground newspapers and announcements on actual bulletin boards in the porn shops.

  3. SpankCakes- you're not alone in thinking pre-internet that your desires were just twisted. There's a chance that she's casting bait... though I've found that starting a blog is a far more efficient way of catching little fishies than joking about spanking at the office- who knows... maybe she's caught several herself with her own method and neither I , nor anyone else knows about it.

    Emen- I DO remember that episode, come to think of it! And you could be right about Bert, though Pryce (the British guy) I can see somewhat awkwardly trying his hand at it. And in pockets, I'm sure there was a spanking community- see the infamous Harvard National Lampoon cover. I bet it took a lot more work than it does now to get plugged in though.

  4. Oh, yes, Pryce would have been into it for sure. And I remember that National Lampoon cover very well.

    There were a couple of people at the office who talked about spanking regularly. The man usually made comments about BDSM activities, while the woman just said "spank" or "spanking" whenever she could fit it into the conversation.


  5. It drives me nuts where I work when I hear people throw around spanking jargon knowing they're just using it to seem hip, dramatic, or making a joke.

  6. I agree with you, Secret Spanko, I don't think that there really is any kind of simple spankdar. Especially because our kinks are so different (I'm one example for women who are into being spanked but don't look for a relationship in which they can be submissive, and apart from that I'm also a switch). And spankos also deal with their kink very differently. I, for example, do indeed make jokes about spanking in public and among vanillas. So maybe the lady in your office is a fellow spanko. Well, or maybe not. I assume there is no way to know that without being willing to approach the subject openly.

  7. Hermione- after doing what every man in the office has always wanted to - and by that I mean punching Campbell (not kissing Joan) I'm amazed we haven't had one scene with Pryce since! I can't say that I "remember" that cover as in I was a frequent reader of the National Lampoon or something, but I remember seeing it online and being amazed. I hear they're auctioning off a magazine with that cover at the TX All-State Spanking Party.

    fB- rather than allow it to drive you nuts, maybe you should be grateful that spanking jargon seems hip, dramatic, and humorous.

    Kaelah- thanks again for another insightful comment. It's true that approaching the subject openly with her would be easiest, though I've been tempted to approach it in an attempt to be witty and even flirtatious- sort of "I'll see your talk about a woodshed whoopin' and raise you talk about getting caught with my pants down and thankfully it wasn't caught with my pants down plus a red ass" but well, the stakes are pretty high (my job/career) and the rewards are relatively low- I'm not sure how much good it would do to have a spanko friend at work anyway.

    I'm glad this post has sort of resonated and generated comments.

  8. I don't think I have any spank-dar. At all. LOL.

    But, my gaydar only works on guys. Go fig.

  9. Your posts are always so interesting, I love when I see a new post from you. Spankdar is a funny topic.. sometimes when I pay attention to someones demeanor and mannerisms, I think to myself, "Yup there's a spanko!" Other times I think about it when talking to friends and wonder if any of them are secretly into it. I think A LOT more people are into it than I imagine, but it's always hard to tell for sure lol.

  10. Joan- when you say you have no spankdar, but a well developed gaydar for guys, you're not alone. I'm right there with you.

    playful little brat- thank you! little comments like that mean a lot to me. I hope there are a lot more people into it than I think, but I'm not sure. Then again, if there were a lot more people into it than I think, and some of them came here, would they recognize any of the pics or my stories? Yikes! Oh, and I wonder about other people and whether they're into spanking often, because I'm a guy, and if a cute lady walks by, (Shhhh... don't tell anyone that guys do this) I'm probably trying to surreptitiously check out her ass anyway.

  11. @ Secret Spanko:
    Sometimes one might of course also be able to find out whether people are kinky by joking around and observing their reactions. As you say, though, there is always the question whether one wants others to know about one's kink and whether one wants to meet like-minded people at a certain place, especially at work. Many of my vanilla friends know about my kink, among them several (former) workmates. It never caused any problems because the ones I talked to proved to be trustworthy and open-minded. I haven't found any other spankos that way, though. But I have learnt a lot about many different and interesting lifestyles, which is great, too. :-)

  12. Kaelah- you must've worked at an interesting place full of interesting people. For me... I can't imagine broaching the subject, but I always appreciate your perspective, and that you post thoughtful comments on the more serious, thoughtful posts. thank you!