Thursday, August 15, 2013

fantasy vs. reality... It takes more than just whacking a bottom until it hurts

One of my favorite spankos, Dana Kane, recently posted something about when fantasy doesn't meet reality in a spanking relationship, and I thank her for the inspiration for this post.  Specifically, her post was about a couple where the guy craved a spanking, and the wife (who wasn't into spanking) was willing to deliver, but when the rubber met the road (so to speak) the guy decided he wasn't that into it.   His fantasy didn't match the reality of a real spanking from his wife

 The first inclination is to blame him.  I mean, he probably asked and asked for it, and she finally gave in.  She didn't condemn him for his sick and twisted perverse sexuality, no... she indulged him in it.  Right?

Well, I think there's more to it than that.

Not every spanking is like what secret spankos see on spanking videos.  Usually there are cuts and edits galore.  And to those that fulfill their spanking fantasies through spanking stories... well usually those are even less like reality than spanking videos.

Now, that having been said, I don't think it's fair to chalk up the disappointment of reality in a spanko to the glitz and glam of the spanking industry making movies or authors portraying a stylized/embellished version of a spanking.

I recently met a lifelong spanko for the first time.  Her husband, a non-spanko, has indulged her. They had a ton of implements, and he used them on her fairly regularly.  Members of spanking websites, etc... but never been to spanking parties or on fetlife or anything.  Still, she craved something more.  Spanking was always a form of foreplay to get her worked up as a prelude to sex.  She'd never experienced the naughty girl spanking that she'd craved.  Not to toot my own horn or anything, but it was a pretty magical session.  Took her right to the edge of her tolerance level, where she'd never been before, and right back.  Gave her exactly what she had been craving, and she felt a sore reminder the next day.

Once upon a time I wrote about spanking and a hamburger analogy.  I still maintain a hamburger as my avatar. The premise of that post was that a spanking consists of several elements, and that those elements can be compared to the ingredients of a hamburger. The most basic are the buns (a bottom) and pain (the meat).  A non-spanko spouse might get those right, but could be missing all the other elements- what makes a spanking appealing.  Whether it's punishment or embarrassment or control... a non-spanko spouse might miss out on those hot button, tingle-inducing triggers that make a spanking appealing to spankos.  

The lecture.  

"Arch your back.  there you go." 

corner time.

"I know it hurts sweetie, it's supposed to."

...all those things that make a spanking more than just whacking a bottom until it hurts.  All those toppings on a hamburger. So maybe we should cut the guy some slack.  Again, kuddos to this guys wife, and my new friend's husband for trying and giving it their best.  However, I don't think you can really turn a vanilla into a spanko easily, and satisfying a spankos desires involves a little more than just whacking their bottom until it hurts.


  1. hit the nail right on the head. It was most definitely magical...and painful...and I can't wait for you to give my bottom that glowing burn again that I crave so much!

    I think that's the problem with any spanko in a relationship with a 'vanilla" loved one. I know that I have built up this unrealistic scenario (fantasy...if you will) in my head over the years that no one had been able to reenact with me...until our session. (Reality) It was close to perfection and I know all those jittery, first encounter nerves won't get in the way next time and it will be explosive. A dream come true.

    The tingles I had from being made to stand in the corner was electric...and being scolded for my smoking made it feel so much more real.
    The fact that you didn't stop when I clearly wanted you too... really put me in a place of helplessness that I had never experienced before. The thought that I was close to using my safe word actually makes me smile. That damn, evil hairbrush!

    And let me give my husband the props he deserves...he tries so hard to fulfill my spanko desires and he is skilled in the art of spanking but those 'extra toppings' don't come standard with my burger order. He usually goes until his arm gets tired (sometimes hours later), because I try to see how many I can take. (My nickname is iron butt) Then it's all over and I'm still left unsatisfied. If only those 'extra toppings' were put in place, he wouldn't have to work out his arm so hard.

    After our encounter, I was left with a crimson red surface and quiet a few marks (which I am proud of....kind of like earning my stripes) and it didn't take you long to get me there. AMAZING! I've never had such a short session leave my bottom in that state before.

    Being held in place while I struggled to get free is what really did it for me. No one has ever made me 'take it' like that before.
    The fact that my eyes were starting to water and I couldn't grit my teeth any harder made it real.

    I replayed that spanking in my head many times on the drive home and for days later. Every time I gingerly sat down in my chair and felt the burn I was excited. However...2 days after, I still had the marks and I craved more. True spanko or freak of nature? I haven't decided yet.

    In short...THANK YOU for making my fantasy a reality. I can't wait until our next session.


  2. Yes. Absolutely. I've often said that spanking, for us, is way more than the physical. There are psychological and emotional components as well, chemistry, connection, etc. Without any of that, spanking is just, well, hitting.

    1. I quess "hitting a bottom till it hurts" is better than "whacking until it hurts" - don't want to give folks the wrong idea!

  3. Ok so the question- can vanilla partners ever figure out the toppings?

    1. That's a great question. I'll leave it to those with that experience though. I'm in the opposite situation- a bottom (wife) who is a vanilla and have tried various tactics: trying to make it sexy, alcohol, etc... to get her to want it, but to little avail. The most effective actually has been buying sexy/kinky clothes leather boots, naughty french maid outfit, etc... but still don't think she enjoys or wants it like a spanko bottom does, despite trying to indulge me.

  4. Very well said! It's tough, that's for sure!

    My husband is (maybe was would be a better word there?) a vanilla, nonspanko, when I brought this up to him. We've had some serious downs, but also some really great ups.

    It takes time for them to figure it out, but he has proved to me that it can certainly be done!

    Once in a while he might leave out the ketchup, or the pickles, but usually he's got the whole thing down pat fairly well.

    1. And there you go, Natasha... an answer to your question. thanks for the comment Kenzie.

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    2. So very true indeed, and means more coming from someone like you.

  6. Great post! This topic is coming up a lot lately. I think we are all on the same wavelength!

    1. I don't know how this post seemed to have touched a nerve among spanking romance authors and those that love reading them, but I really appreciate it. There are so many corners of the spanking internet that I haven't explored, but I will. I'm interested in what others have to say about it too. And it's great to hear that my experiences spanking ladies with converted (or semi-converted) formerly vanilla tops are not unique to me or them.

  7. What a great post. Corinne posted it, and that's how I came here. Sometimes, the glitz (as you say) of the spanking industry (authors and filmmakers) can interfere with the real-live enjoyment of those who practice it. How neat you were able to give this person a great experience.